"What’s Wrong With You Today?”

The days when I’m in my feeling my best, full of energy, and most like myself always seem to be the days people say something to me like:

“You’re acting weird today what’s up with you?”

or

“You’re so intense, what’s wrong with you today?”

It used to bum me out because it made me feel people didn’t care for, or couldn’t handle the real me.

Diving deeper into my feelings, the true source of my frustration was mine to own.

The people around me didn’t know the real me not because they didn’t want to but because I rarely showed it to them.

When glimpses of the real me did come through it’s not that people didn’t like it, it just didn’t match up with the narrative they’d formed of me in their heads. A narrative that I helped build.

External pressures that shape our behavior can start young. It can be something as innocent as a parent wanting the best for their kids and pushing them too far in one direction, something as common as social pressure from peers, or something as evil as calculated manipulation by people who want to exploit our vulnerabilities.

Some people seem to be able to maintain a strong sense of self and power through anything. My desire to fit in and be a part of the group coupled with a nagging layer of self-doubt makes me a bit more susceptible to losing myself and simply becoming a combination of other people's expectations.

As painful as it is for me to admit these tendencies, there’s power in knowing and owning your patterns.

Here’s my truth:

I spent a lot of time hiding behind other people’s expectations of who they think I should be and what they think I should do.

That’s on me.

It might make some of those people uncomfortable when I step into the lane I should’ve been in this whole time and start bringing it.

That’s on them.

We all play a part. Don’t let anyone try to stop you from playing yours.